Day 45: My Identity Pivot
Why I missed last week and am ok with it
I was traveling last week to Austin, one of my favorite towns, and didn’t realize until last Monday that I had completely forgotten my Sunday post! For a moment I berated myself and thought that I must do it right away. Then I took at breath and thought, “this is ok, I have been on target so far and it is ok to miss here and there”. I realized that travel, the change in scenery, and my break from the routine was a good time to just BE in the present.
The “I’ve Done That” Realization
I spent decades living in the identity of the “person who struggles.” I know that version of me intimately. I know how she looks for food when she’s stressed.
I’ve lived that identity. I’ve done that. I have the hashtag #beenthere for that version of my life.
And my new truth? It no longer fits.
The Friction of Letting Go
It is incredibly hard to let go of an identity that has been your survival mechanism for years. Even if that identity caused me pain, it was familiar and it “worked”.
For a long time, I mistook certain habits for “self-care.” During one of the most extreme seasons of my life, caring for a loved one whose brain was declining rapidly before my eyes, I convinced myself that those coping mechanisms were being “responsible.” Maybe they were because alcohol or other substances were not even a possibility due to the intense care that was involved. In that context, they were survival. But I didn’t realize until much later that I wasn’t actually practicing self-care; I was practicing self-preservation in a triage ward.
Stepping into this new way of being, requires a kind of grief. You have to mourn the person you had to be to survive your circumstances, even if that version of you is no longer serving your future.
Letting go of the old identity isn’t a linear path. Yes, I had moments in Austin where I stepped off my food plan, but the difference now is that I didn’t succumb to the “rebound loop.” I didn’t throw away my entire protocol just because I was in a hotel. I didn’t do the “all or nothing” behavior.
Instead I:
Shopped for healthy food to have in the room
Had humus and veggies for several meals
Made sure to have lots of veggies and fiber when we ate out
Walked 10k+ steps a day and spent some time in the gym
I am in the process of becoming. This identity shift, from someone who reacts to life to someone who aligns with it, is the “Steel Thread” that runs through this entire 90-day project.
I’ve done the old way. I know the destination, and I know it ends in exhaustion. I’m choosing a new way now. If that means I have to be a little messy, a little quiet, or a little off-schedule while I figure out who I am on the other side of that grief, I am finally giving myself the grace to do it.